Young Love, Marriage and Mormonism

My son, Zach, married this morning. To two women.

Ella and Tala. He's either a Mormon, or a total stud.

Need I mention that my son is 3? Ok, 3 1/2, he'll tell you. Zach made sure to explain to me that, "We held hands and got married. But it was just pretend". Thanks for the clarification, Zach.

Needless to say, he's gotten his first marriage out of the way, which at this point in my life, I commend him for. I hope that the tattered ends of this marriage do as little damage to him as mine has done much. He deserves it.

I asked Zach who officiated said ceremony, though I didn't think to inquire about caterers, florists or placecard settings. Instead, Zach told me that a kid named Oliver tried to edge in on the proceedings, creating some emotional havoc between the happy threesome.

"But Tala and Ella didn't want to marry Oliver", he insisted. Zach didn't want to marry him either. Apparently he wasn't in the mood to share.

I don't know if he even grasps what marriage is. He obviously understands the dissolution of the relationship between mommy and daddy, but does he know that mommy and daddy are "married"? That they will someday be "divorced"? (I still haven't yet bought one of those helpful books of dinosaurs divorcing, because who better to associate with divorce than extinct meat-eaters who once ruled the earth?)

I recall my own first wedding. I was six. I married Katrina. We walked down the "aisle", between a row of kids, and some kid probably mumbled something about us now being married. Then we went over to the chain link fence to find out if we could kiss for the entire rest of recess. I think our lips actually stayed locked that whole time, and didn't do much else. I subsequently remarried in fourth and sixth grades, which I think was the peak of my appeal with girls. I'm pretty sure Zach's appeal will last longer...

Maybe it's a good thing to get the first one out of the way. Maybe the second time is meant to be better. My second marriage was with Rebecca, a 4th-grade brunette who towered over me by a good 2 or 3 inches. Maybe it was even 4. Remember that age when the girls all shot past the boys? Yes, I remember that time. Unfortunately for me, the guys largely picked up on the slack... I didn't. But I've long come to terms with the genetic hand dealt me; it's not a big deal to me, though now that I am suddenly "single" again (shudder...), I realize and hate that it actually still is a big deal. My ex never cared... maybe there will be others.

Back to first marriages... Why can't we learn the necessary life lessons when we're three, or six, to avoid all the heartbreak, anger and resentful discussions over who gets what picture frames and bedding sets?

Three year olds are much better communicators, frankly, than adults. They feel something, and they say it. Adults don't do that. They hold it in, build up anger and misunderstandings, and eventually explode or implode. A 3 year old would never do that. No, they would speak their mind, just as Zach did today, saying "Oliver, I don't want to marry you". You tell that boy, Zach. Don't marry him. You got the girl (well, girls, actually), as I knew you would. Destined to be a little heartbreaker.

I just hope he takes some of the lessons from today and learns from them. I wonder if he asked for a pre-nup.