Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

No Longer Just a Little Person: Synecodoche, New York, Two Years Later

I started my online diary three years ago. I pretentiously resist the term "blog", because I was never looking for people to seek it out to read. It was always just for me, and was hugely therapeutic in getting through a divorce, and settling into post-married-single-father life.

During the lowest point of 2008 (the closest I personally have ever been to depression,though never settled into), I was hugely impacted by the Charlie Kaufman film Synecdoche, New York, which dealt with themes of post-divorce life, while also chronicling how one may feel miniscule and purposeless in a vast universe of misunderstanding and selfishness amidst the never-ending creep towards our own mortality.

In Kaufman's view, there is no such thing as solace or peace, and even if you are lucky enough to find your soulmate, you will be kept apart by your own obsessive need to lionize - or destroy - any semblance of self, preventing true, meaningful engagement with other people. Which leads to the inevitable question you grapple with day in, day out:

The Question: Are we all destined to be lonely forever?

When your spouse leaves and you're wondering whether or not you'll ever ever date again, much less find your soul mate, these were hugely impactful themes and ideas, and there wasn't much of a positive spin to put on any of it.

The impact of the movie was best captured in the painfully gorgeous, "Little Person", whose lyrics chronicle a protagonist caught in a sea of solitude, left only to "eat my little meals, miss my little kid and wife".

After posting how I felt like "just a little person", I was surprised to find that my secret-little-blog-I-wanted-no-one-to-know-about suddenly started garnering minor amounts of traffic from random places across the globe. With this being my most emotionally naked blog post, I was disquieted, to say the least. Was I revealing too much of myself?

But as an online marketer, I became fascinated, and suddenly started poring over geographic maps (the Ukraine, really?!) of where people who found the post were from, those who were equally drawn by Charlie Kaufman's painful but intensely human rumination on what it means to be human.

Being someone not intrinsically drawn to online self-exposure (and who now, ironically, must dive into it every day in my professional career), this was confusing. I didn't want to be sucked into that living-life-online vortex, but for a period it somehow made the lonely nights a little less lonely. Some messages shared with others led me to realize this film impacted lonely others out there - were we all in the same adrift boat, yearning for rescue? There's that question again: "are we all destined to be lonely forever"?

Fast forward two years later, to the question's answer:

No, we're not

Not long after wallowing in Synecdoche-magnified self-pity, I met the love of my life. The woman that I am matched with in every way. Our rhythms are perfectly suited for each other; with no disrespect to my ex-wife, we were just never on the same rhythm. We may have wanted ourselves to, but we simply were not meant to have been life partners. I think the post-marriage grieving period was more over the loss of an idea than anything else; this is probably true for both of us.

But I found another little person who wanted to come out and play.

And play we did, and play we continue to do. We endlessly have a ridiculous amount of fun, whether it's weekends away, hanging out with my son, long nights of wine drinking and laying on the floor listening to music, grabbing coffees and glances, or even (gasp) shopping together. There's absolutely nothing that we don't do together, and even less we don't do well together. She's truly been a blessing.

Certainly, the omniscient narrator/Millicent Weems would take a dim view of this turn of events, arguing that it's all a big nothing anyway, both in the beginning, the middle and the end of our time on earth. Talking quietly in his ear - and ours - she says:

"As the people who adore you stop adoring you; as they die; as they move on; as you shed them; as you shed your beauty; your youth; as the world forgets you; as you recognize your transience; as you begin to lose your characteristics one by one; as you learn there is no-one watching you, and there never was, you think only about driving - not coming from any place; not arriving any place. Just driving, counting off time."

I choose not to believe that.

That doesn't mean that I believe in an afterlife, or God, or anything else that suggests a higher consciousness than where we stand in the here and now. But I do believe there is meaning in this life, if you are lucky enough to find it, or choose to embrace it. I do think there is someone out there for most people. Sometimes you'll find them early, sometimes late; in some cases, not at all. I've been truly lucky to find mine, and hope for others to do the same.

Caden Cotard's journey through Synecdoche is one of futility, hypochondriac neuroses and pain, but it's marked by a genuine searching and yearning - the belief that there is something out there that may be found. Something or someone that makes it better. Makes it what you believed it could be. Caden whispers into the phone:

"I know how to do the play now. It will all take place over the course of one day. And that day will be the day before you died. That day was the happiest day of my life. Then I'll be able to live it forever. See you soon."

I believe I've found my way to live forever. For this time on earth, the time that it actually matters.

For so long it was those first few verses that rattled sweet and painfully in my brain, but all that resonates now are the final stanzas:

I know you
You're the one I've waited for.
Let's have some fun.

Life is precious every minute,
and more precious with you in it,
so let's have some fun

We'll take a road trip way out west. You're the one I like the best.
I'm glad I've found you,
Like being around you
You're the one I like the best.

Somewhere, maybe someday,
Maybe somewhere far away,
I'll meet a second little person
And we'll go out and play.

I am not just a little person, and never will I be. Hopefully none of us will be.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Families and Filmographies


For film students of the '90s, Martin Scorsese was, for obvious and well-established reasons, our god of cinema. Our “greatest living (or working) director”. To say that now, in 2008, sounds like a hollow cliche. But back in college, films like Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, even Cape Fear... we could never get enough of them. Of course, Scorsese begat Tarantino, which begat '90s crime cinema, etc, etc, etc. And after some rather transparent bids for critical affection, now Scorsese wins Oscars for movies he probably shouldn't have, while largely generally operating as a shadow of his former self. Hey, we all get old. 

But quietly, slowly, someone's taken away that mantle of our "greatest working director": 

P.T. Anderson. 

This is a personal declaration, and I don't expect others to agree, but with apologies to Marty, Spielberg, or anyone else who would aspire to the title (Lynch, Coen, Mann, Soderbergh, Wong Kar-Wai, don't know who else...), it's not even close. Not only are Anderson's films full of life and vitality in a way that's reminiscent of Scorsese at his peak (an intensity that feels forced and contrived in Marty’s recent films), but Anderson peels back layers of human frailty, pain and repressed emotion in ways that Scorsese never dared. In so many of Scorcese’s films, inner life barely exists, whereas for Anderson, it churns its way to the surface, despite all efforts to withhold. 

Anderson is superficially admired for his complex, interwoven narratives, and vast, Altman-like canvases. But over the span of two weeks, I’ve rewatched his five picture filmography, and while his work is undeniably riddled with consistent themes and motifs, one stands out above all others in both is grandiosity and simplicity: family. This is his true subject matter, and it runs like an underground river through all of his work.

Fascinatingly, Anderson's own personal life - his family - is largely an enigma, to the point where Esquire magazine was inspired to write an expose on his upbringing, revealing Anderson's close childhood proximity to the Hollywood machine (his father was a famed voice-over artist), which resulted in an early obsession with filmmaking and a rather naked ambition, that for unexplained reasons, Anderson now wants to obscure. Sadly, Anderson won't acknowledge - nor even speak to - his best friends from childhood, many of whom were also the progeny of celebrities and Hollywood types. But what's most interesting about this are the hints of his personal life that seep into his creative work. Clearly, he doesn't want to self-consciously expose himself like a Charlie Kaufman, but many of those autobiographical elements are certainly there, though perhaps more in thematics than narrative.

What's fascinating about this theme of family, and also terribly sad, is the arc of it across his five films. His first (Hard Eight) and last (There Will Be Blood) films have, on the surface, the least to do with family of any of his films, but in some ways they are the most instructive, and represent an almost titanic shift in world view that will be interesting to see how Anderson transitions next as an artist (and probably for those who know him, as a person).

HARD EIGHT

Let's start with Hard Eight, the least "familial" of his filmography. It opens with John C. Reilly meeting Philip Baker Hall against the backdrop of the younger man's inability to pay for his mother's burial. As with so many of Anderson's scenarios, even when family isn't onscreen, they are just beyond the edges of the frame. Hall becomes a mentor to this troubled, somewhat dimwitted lug, but though Reilly fails to internalize the lessons that Hall tries to impart, true devotion arises nonetheless. We learn, shockingly, that Hall murdered Reilly's father years earlier, which is why he befriended him in the first place. Hall has his own children, but they are also stage left, likely resentful and broken. But real affection develops between these two men, as Hall takes over the role of the dutiful father, and probably serves it better than Reilly's blood relation. The climax of the film is gripping in its emotional simplicity: an older man tells a younger man on the phone that he loves him like his own son. The younger man cries. The older man tries to hold it together. Devotion. Emotional need and fulfillment. Love.

Sure, the movie's narrative actually ends with bullets and blood, but that's not the point. Superficially, it's a movie about gambling, the low-rent casinos populating California and Nevada, and petty misbehaviors, but ultimately, it's about family. About finding a family when your real family has been lost, or taken away.

BOOGIE NIGHTS

Now let's take Boogie Nights. Again, it doesn't appear to be about family at all. It's about the '70s and big cocks. But coming off the last comment, family is exactly what it's about. Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) is viewed as a worthless do-nothing by his overbearing mother, and flees home. He discovers a new home, filled with troubled dreamers, who just so happen to be porn actors. Burt Reynolds is the paternal familia of the clan, and Julianne Moore is, quite literally, referred to as "Momma" by the damaged young porn actors who want to find someone to emotionally protect them.  The fact that they fuck together on camera is merely window dressing. All of these sad souls live on the proverbial knife edge of success and complete destruction, with only the prospect of another seedy, sweaty porn shoot to give them hope for another day. In this world to be a porn star is to have self-worth, which Anderson makes visually clear by capturing Diggler in the literal halo of a spotlight at a porn movie award ceremonies. A cheesy karate kick even infuses it with a parodic aura of super-hero strength. Validation = self worth. 

But we still need family. The film keeps coming back to that point. None of these characters have it (Julianne Moore is even prevented by the legal system from having it, due to her career choice), and so they create a substitute family in Reynolds' house. On the one hand, it's a grim, sad movie (despite its propulsive visual energy) because of the subject matter itself, but there's a quiet, dignified hope in the notion that troubled people can find each other and create enclaves of support. Interestingly, it may be Don Cheadle who is given the only true redemption in the film though, which Anderson stages by allowing the character to leave the porn industry and get married, preparing for fatherhood. In marriage and pregnancy is family, and thus, success and purity - at least in the context of this film. Cheadle’s final scene even features him in a bright white suit, which needs to be splattered with blood – a kind of reverse baptism. For the others, they'll keep stringing it along, and in Anderson's view, that's better than nothing. And so that's something. Sad, but somehow beautiful.

So chalk up two films with a rather positive view of the potential of self-selected families. It's somehow inspiring.

MAGNOLIA

Then comes Magnolia. Anderson's most ambitious film, and against the grandiosity of Blood, that's saying something. It's my favorite of his films, but I'll comment the least about it. Perhaps because it's the most obvious in relation to this overarching theme. Needless to say, people love and hate it for its many, interlocking storylines that sometimes relate, and sometimes don't. Chance, circumstance and fate are the themes the narrator explicitly refers to. But what is underneath all of these characters: the awareness that family has demonstrably let them all down.

This is a noticeable shift from Boogie Nights, where Diggler's break from family can be chalked up to impulsive immaturity and the natural need to break away. All teenagers hate their parents, right? But in Magnolia, families (and, specifically, fathers), do truly devastating things to their children, from which few recover. Let's list them, quickly: Philip Baker Hall sexually molested daughter Melora Waters, leaving her incapable of a competent, stable relationship with men. Jason Robards abandoned his wife, dying of cancer, thereby forever alienating his son, Tom Cruise, who reacts by trying to somehow outdo the hatred, the philandering, the misogyny in a misplaced effort to gain that same father's love. Failing that, he seeks to destroy the father on his deathbed, only to be left destroyed himself (ironically, Cruise's final moments onscreen hint at the potential return of familial self-selection). Stanley Spector, the young game show whiz kid, is pushed and prodded to perform and excel by his unsympathetic father, which mirrors William H. Macy's own backstory, whose game show success left him unable to connect with anyone (male or female), devoid of any self-esteem or self-understanding. Macy is a flash-forward of Spector's life in 35 years. Yes, in Magnolia, dads are true shitballs, which makes you curious as to Anderson's reticence to speak about his own family. 

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

Punch-Drunk Love is Anderson's slightest, and most tender, film. It's a romantic comedy that to some appears almost absent of comedy, as well as any conventional view of romance. Saying that, it's deeply funny, and intensely romantic - you just have to be in the right frame of mind. Much like Melora Waters and John C. Reilly in Magnolia it's all about emotionally blocked people, who just want to find a way to connect with someone. Anderson even stages Adam Sandler as Barry Egan (in a revelatory performance) and Emily Watson (Lena) in nearly identical ways as Waters/Reilly from Magnolia on a first date. Almost as if all first dates are universal in their insecurities, the need for validation, and an unavoidable desire to bullshit to make ourselves feel better. 

But what does this have to do with family? The reason the film is called Punch-Drunk Love is that it is, above all, about rage. About how damaged people want to tear everything down, but as a way of actually trying to find something soft and cuddly. Sandler's character arc is about channeling that rage, to transform those repressed emotions into something that will burst out of him with a "strength you can't even begin to imagine", like a caterpillar that's become a butterfly. Prior to finding love, his rage was destructive. But with love, it becomes transcendent. It's a beautiful image, but what's relevant here is where his rage comes from: his five, ball-busting, harpie sisters. Anderson gives Sandler these 5 sisters who routinely call him names you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, diminishing him in their eyes and his own. To call them castrating would be kind.

Perhaps not coincidentally, Anderson has 4 sisters of his own.

Sandler is left to feel unloved by his own family, and unworthy of their attention, so he ends up sobbing in front of his disinterested, awkward brother-in-law, who would rather be anywhere than even talking to this sad sack in a blue (get the obvious pun, “blue”?) suit. Though the movie is about the relationship with Watson, about pudding, and the curious appearance of an organ in the street, the specter of family hangs over, and underpins, everything about the character. Sandler finds love, he channels his rage into passion, and finds a modicum of happiness. Yet, it's impossible not to notice that, in doing so, family has been entirely excised. Which makes it all the more impossible not to see that, without family letting Sandler down to begin with, there would be no character, no movie.

Though I may be wrong, I believe that Anderson began his relationship with Fiona Apple around this period. It's as if the director, perhaps wounded by his own family, had found redemption. Again, by finding it outside of family. In many ways, this has been the only true happiness his characters are allowed from “family”: when they discover them outside their own flesh and blood. I bet Thanksgivings at the Anderson household are a laugh riot.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Which brings us to There Will Be Blood. Yes, the film is about greed, ambition and religion, certainly. But yet again, Anderson returns to the theme of constructed, chosen families. The families we self-select, rather than what is given by fate. Daniel Plainview takes in the infant of a dead oil worker, recognizing him as his own son. There appears to be real affection for this boy, but in truth, Plainview merely uses H.W. Plainview as a prop to appear as a righteous, upstanding family man to get in good with the local rubes, who want relatable "family" oil men raping their land, as opposed to single entrepreneurs  (how very Republican Party of them...). When the boy is physically damaged, instead of nurturing and protecting him, Plainview sends the boy away. This clearly devastates the man, but we don't know if it's for the boy, or the fact that Plainview recognizes in himself someone unworthy of the responsibility and value of family. It's not that Plainview doesn't have feelings, but he's a rare Anderson character that actually manages to swallow them - until they utterly pervert and destroy him from the inside.

Later, the film turns to a new family relationship, which Plainview is at first suspicious of, and then abjectly threatened by. And in this case, his suspicions are actually well-founded and correct: family is not family, blood is not blood (although there will be blood). Yet, though this intrusion is essentially benign, Plainview must cut it out with a violence that is sobering. Now for Anderson, self-selected families are no longer found, embraced and treasured. They are suspected, cast out, vilified.  Meanwhile, the biological family represented in the Sunday clan is just as fractured and dysfunctional: more sexual abuse, religious fundamentalism, and a "smart brother" who knew to get out while the getting is good.

It's a fascinating turn for Anderson when seen in context of his other films, all of which (except for Magnolia) are quietly, subtly obsessed with this notion of supplemental, chosen families, rather than biological connections. But instead of the genuine earnestness of Hard Eight, the shaggy-dog playfulness of Boogie Nights,  and the romantic wish-fulfillment of Punch-Drunk Love, you have a man who throws away his adopted child the moment that the son makes any choice contrary to the father. "Family" exists only as long as it is financially beneficial. When it is no longer to Plainview's advantage, he screams at his son's departing back, "You're just a bastard from a basket!". The only redemptive grace for H.W. is that he is deaf (due to Plainview's own drilling success) and can't hear these cruel, hateful words from a father who is not a father. 

It's no small accident that when Paul Sunday screams and begs for his life in the climactic bowling scene, he wails, "We're family!". Which, to anyone who knows Anderson's films well, is probably the worst thing in the world he could've said. Real families are meant to be steam-rolled, abandoned, chucked out the window. Or cut out of the will, as Plainview would have it. Or bludgeoned with a bowling pin. At the same time, Anderson is further diffusing and obscuring the notion of "family" at all. If Sunday would so claim to be Plainview's "family" - which is clearly absurd - the notion of "family" has no meaning at all. It certainly doesn't for Plainview. But does it for Anderson?

Anderson has clearly grown more guarded, if not downright cynical, when it comes to the idea of family. The director who seeks to escape his past may want to put his family history behind him. Even self-selected families are now suspect (hmm... wonder what Fiona thinks of all this...). His characters reach out for new family connections - in casinos, on porn shoots, in the warm embrace of an non-judgmental lover - but he ultimately brings us to a place where these constructs are just as easily torn to shreds, despite the years, the meaning, the deep need we all have for that comforting embrace. How we long for Claudia and the cop, Barry Egan and Lena, with their wounded need for love and understanding.

Daniel Plainview will never hold his son again, and in his own mind, never viewed him as a son at all. We know that Plainview is lost.  Anderson makes no bones about it. "I'm finished!", Plainview calls. One wonders where Anderson will emerge next.  As grim as his work can be, it is undeniably infused with energetic life, and pain and honesty. I, for one, will be there to greet him at the door to find out.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

We Have a New President

Strong winds across Los Angeles. Nov, 4 2008. 11 pm.

This momentous, historic moment will be chronicled in countless places that makes it needless for me to add my thin, tin voice. Yet, today I am very proud to be an American, and I'm proud of the American people in unifying behind a great need, and potentially a great leader. Obama's speech tonight was his shining moment, and it's a powerful moment that can still draw tears from a political cynic in the midst of a crowded tavern of that was undulating in waves between raucous cheering and stately, almost reverant silence. And in a sad way, this night was also John McCain's best moment. If he would've shown more of the grace he demonstrated in his concession speech during the campaign, it wouldn't have been a landslide. You had to know that he was thinking a great deal about his legacy tonight, and worked to repair it, as a constipated Palin squirmed beside him, ready to shove the old man off stage-left.

There's a hopeful feel tonight, but though I'm emerging slowly from the deep funk I was in for the past week, I can't help being saddened by the lack of someone to share such a special moment with. My ex and I exchanged texts and phone calls during the event, with our son adorably shouting "Pres-dent Barack Obama!" into the phone, but there's a hollowness there. Enjoying the moment with co-workers and casual friends was nice too, but... it didn't help when friends of friends arrived, necessitating small talk while waiting for Obama's speech. It was one of those moments that is meant to be shared with those close to you. I was far away from them, and one of my deep questions right now is... who are those people?

There were texts exchanged with a few others, from my sister to my movie-partner in crime, V. But there's still that void.

It was a windy, cool night in Los Angeles. One of those spectacular nights where the palm trees are swaying, destined to litter the street with oversized palm fronds and leaves. I love those nights, with their ability to awe and inspire. And yet it's an empty enjoyment when you can't share that with someone.

I had a good therapy session today, where I was commended for actually diving into the murk of my sadness over the past week. Instead of following the path of my family - of burying pain, disappointment, anger, etc. - I was acknowledging it, and letting it wash over me, as a way of experiencing and acknowledging it. I didn't really think of it in that way (I hardly patted myself on the back for being so morose), but I think she's right - I'm evolving in a way that my family never has.

But we ended the session talking about the question of "what do I think of myself?". We treaded around loneliness, and I said that I've never had a problem being alone. I enjoy time on my own. And I think that's true. But it's also not true, and I've never really spent any time truly alone. It's much easier to enjoy your solitude, yourself, and your own ideas when it's just a temporary respite. When there's the security of a relationship on the other side of that solitude.

In all honesty, aside from a year-long stretch or so after college, I've mostly had that security and protection in my life. I don't really know how to exist without it, how to be content with myself. Maybe I am content with myself, but because there's this void in my life, I just don't know what contentedness looks like. I couldn't really answer the question of what I think about myself. What is my self-image. I feel like I'm generally very honest in therapy, and I was trying to be honest, but I also felt like I was just spewing stump speeches at that moment.

I don't know the answer to that question. Do I really like myself? I always thought I did. I want to believe that I do.

On a historic night like tonight, I want to believe... I want to believe. But I'm not sure I do.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Welcome to November

A couple of months ago, a friend asked me about my separation, "Are you lonely?". I somewhat laughed, because throughout the summer and fall, I obsessively scheduled myself on my every free night of the week (usually 3 or 4 nights a week). Every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday something was going on to keep me occupied or distracted.

My answer: "I've been far too busy to be lonely. I think I've got it penciled in for November, though".

Well, now it's November.

And, yes, I'm lonely.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I am at a loss for words for...


Writing about a movie, or music, or even meaningless pop culture... it's in my nature to want to sound eloquent, intelligent, or at least like I have a clue what the fuck I'm talking about. 

But tonight I endured a movie that has left me an emotional wreck, and without any of the necessary words. Or the right words, or maybe not even the words that make a lick of sense. Which would be appropriate, given the movie that I watched tonight: 

Synecdoche, New York

Synec-what?! Who the hell has even heard of this movie. Well, it's the directorial debut of Charlie Kaufman, the screenwriter behind Being John Malkovich, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have long had a hate him/love him relationship with Kaufman. "Malcovich" was an amusing trifle, a bit self-conscious and smug, while Adaptation was one of the most navel-gazing, self-indulgent movies ever that made me want to punch Meryl Streep. How often do you want to punch Meryl Streep? That said, I adored Eternal Sunshine

And in a lot of ways, this movie features similar themes of both those films I loved and hated, exploring the artistic process and the search for meaning within the context of one person's life. It's almost like Kaufman was teasing the edges of those themes in those latter two films, but Synecdoche, New York is so astonishingly raw, painful, achingly sad, and elegiac that it just might be one of the most important movies ever made. Hyperbole, yeah, but… god, I’m just at a total loss right now. I warned that I wouldn't sound coherent.

It was so gut-wrenching to watch, and so utterly illogical and random and all over the place and dream-like and non-narrative, that it was just an absolute mess, and that’s part of the point. It’s intentionally messy, and ugly and obtuse. It is self-obsessed, and universal-looking with gigantic open arms all at the same time. Years pass, and people describe them as weeks. Characters develop physical ailments, which then disappear. Some characters age, becoming old, while others don’t. So much of it makes no logical sense – and for people not willing to go along on the journey, it will be truly infuriating to the point of walking out – but the entire thing is about digging deep into our individual pain, which is really a universal pain, and trying to find truth, and meaning, and connection. And not finding it. And yet somehow finding it too. 

It’s so dreamlike that it’s not a tear-jerker as it unfolds, but I found tears pouring down my face during the final credits. After it all ended. Because I wasn’t crying for the movie, but I was crying for what the movie said about me, about everyone else, about life. It made me want to crawl under a bed and sob for the next two weeks.

There is craft, there is art, and then there’s something that’s almost beyond art. I kind of feel like I saw that tonight. Something that gets beyond image, and sound, and texture, and story, and meaning, and gets to a place that people can’t easily get to. And I bet that 7 out of 10 people who see that movie will hate it (maybe even 8 of 10)… but something really remarkable and depressing and transcendent took place on that screen… and I hated it, and loved it, and it’s something that’ll stay with me for a long time to come.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Most Depressing Place in the World

Von's Grocery Store, Centinela Blvd. Los Angeles. Tuesday, 6:40 pm. 

Maybe it's the fact that they are renovating. The floors are two different colors, the salad bar empty, the seafood counter vacant. Much of this clearly comes from the fact that they didn't have a salad bar previously, and frankly, I don't think it's a place you ever wanted to get seafood from in the first place. It's long been a lower-middle class area of town (I spent a charming year living just down the block), but I suppose every grocery chain feels inordinate pressure to compete with the Whole Foods of the world.

Stopping in for toothpaste and wine. Maybe an electric toothbrush for Zach... Hmm, does he want Wall-E or Spongebob? God, I hate Spongebob...

Realize I'm kind of hungry. Leftover pasta in the fridge at home doesn't sound very appealing. Cooking an actual meal even less so, given my work ambitions for the night, not to mention my general lack of creativity when the fridge door is open... Maybe just grab something to go. But the Vons isn't exactly a "grab and go" kind of grocery store, especially at a time when the floors are comprised of two different colors. 

Stand in the soup aisle, ponder the healthy brands. Nearly shoulder to shoulder with two sixty year old men who just have that appearance of being... my god... single. And old. Old and single.

Flashback to all those times I've stood in the checkout line, that matronly woman behind me, buying her Dinners-For-One. A single cup of yogurt. A pre-packaged salad. Probably a bottle of Kahlua. And I think to myself... so sad. So sad not to have anyone. So sad to be alone, all day and every night. God, what a lucky guy I am... what a lucky, lucky guy... 

Back in the soup aisle, Old & Single snorts a loogey into the back of his throat. Jesus, no wonder he's single. What's with the 5 pounds of broccoli? Well, at least it's healthy. More than I can say for myself tonight... or many nights as of late. My god, there are a lot of soups. Progresso, Campbells, Chunky, Healthy Classics... There are just too many, and nothing, all at the same time. I really can't handle this.

Wander to the wine section. Nearly done being remodeled, but I kind of miss the tall shelves. Now they end at eye-level, and the value options all seem to be missing. Don't tell me this Von's on Centinela and Washington dreams of being upscale. Hey, Mr. Vons Manager - have you seen your clientele lately? Mr. Broccoli Soup back on Aisle 9? Aint' gonna happen. 

But here I am. With my toothpaste, wine, Wall-E toothbrush, and some bananas and eggs. Not old, but single. Where did I find that high horse of mine? Shuffle off to the checkout counter. Getting really hungry now. 

But I can't bear the thought of a buying a Dinner-For-One. I don't think I've ever done that in my life, and I can't imagine starting now. This has been depressing enough.

For me, at this moment, Von's on Centinela, in Los Angeles, at 6:40 on a Tuesday, is the most depressing place in the world.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The carpool lane sucks anyway


It's no secret that traffic in Los Angeles is miserable. There are many other cities that can claim this painful distinction - Chicago, Atlanta, NY, Houston. Maybe it was the '80s, but Los Angeles may have a special place in the cultural consciousness when it comes to the hell that is freeways and traffic congestion. Hence, the carpool lane.

I've always been a big fan of the carpool lane. You need two people to drive it, and in some places on the edges of the city, even three. It's almost a statement - if you want to move forward, make progress... you better find yourself a friend. One of the greatest episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm featured Larry David picking up a hooker just so he could use the carpool lane to get to Dodger stadium. Somehow beautifully, they come to respect and admire each other too. That's the big joke: the process of movement is so fraught with peril in this city, that you will reach for just about anyone if it means going just a little bit faster. 

I came to appreciate the carpool lane. Grow accustomed to it. Accepting it as my city-given right as a couple and as a father. I can't tell you how many times I drove Zach in the back seat, perversely wishing that I'd get pulled over by some dickhead cop who thought I was abusing the privledge by being alone, only to point out my bubbly little kid in the backseat and say, "I don't think so..."

But recently, I've found myself driving alone more often than not. A lot of those trips from Hollywood, or downtown, back to my place on the westside, cruising down the 110, headed for home. And I am, frankly, habituated to using the carpool lane. Which is not an easy habit to break. More than once I've found myself driving in the carpool lane, listening to tunes at high decibel, only to glance in the rear view mirror and realize that... hey, Zachy isn't in the backseat.

No. I'm alone - in the carpool lane built for two. And I didn't even realize it until it was too late, until you know it's just as big of a fine to cross those triple yellow lines as it is to have unjustifiabily entered that lane to begin with. You dont know what to do. Do you forge ahead, waiting for the next turn-out? Or do you whip across the lane right now, calling even more attention to yourself as that single guy all alone in the carpool lane. The one who wasn't supposed to be there.

But which is it? The one who wasn't supposed to be alone in the carpool lane? Or just the one who wasn't supposed to be alone in the carpool lane?

Which is it?