Perspectives on Anger

I don't know when I'll fully be "over" my marriage. It will probably take years in many ways, though I think I'm doing a fairly good job coping these days.

I've been working to expell a lot of the anger that I have towards my ex. This is largely being done in therapy, something I was never all that psyched about doing, and have now ironically found real value in (yes, learning some lessons too late). We spent a session where I was prodded to let loose all those feelings that I'm aware of, but was forced to swallow during the attempts to build bridges and resuscitate a dead body of a relationship. Now releasing them, I sat there with tears pouring down my face, a litany of fury that seemed to last forever.

How angry over what she's done to Zach's future. How she never gave me a legitimate chance to fix things. How she never took her own, honest responsibility for the situation. For pretending that fixing the marriage was an option, whereas it clearly wasn't. For dragging out the pain to make herself feel better. For not standing up for herself until it was time for her to stand outside the marriage. For blaming me for her intrinsic dissatisfaction with life. For accusing me of being the source of her unhappiness, whereas I was her rock, her rescue. For thinking that our problems were that gigantic to begin with. For... giving up.

God, it felt good to say those aloud to someone, when they had been running around and around my grief-addled brain for months. This doesn't mean those feelings are gone, but having them out in the open was somehow so relieving. And there isn't anyone that I can really say these things to, because I have no interest in poisoning the air against my ex with people we both know. I'm not that kind of person; I am respectful to the people that I love.

The next week, we did something even more interesting. We discussed all the qualities I want in a partner, and then very objectively, laid out what my ex was, and what she was not. Both good and bad. Essentially creating a list that helps give a sense of where we just pulled apart.

Some things she was: exceptionally giving, incredibly smart and perceptive, emotionally evolved, thoughtful, selfless, funny, clever, beautiful. A great mother.

Some things she also was: financially irresponsible, discontented with her life, lacking self-esteem, incapable of forgiveness, always late, obsessive to a fault, and most importantly... unhappy. I don't think she was ever happy in her life, or in her marriage. Maybe she will be now. Clearly, I couldn't make her happy. But it wasn't my job to make her happy. If she can't do that herself after all these years, my weaknesses was not going to be the difference-maker.

This put into relief things a series of traits that I want in a mate: Self-confident. Professionally secure. Energetic. Upbeat. Optimistic. Able to tease and be teased. Attractive. Sexually confident. Open-minded. Smart. Thoughtful. Happy.

My ex was many of those things, but some of the big ones just wasn't part of her personality. This doesn't make her a bad person, or even flawed. It's just who she is. Obviously, I have (or lack) many qualities that she wanted in a mate. I hope that someday she will forgive me for lacking those. In learning to accept this, this helps to let go of the anger. Or at least give it some perspective.