Going through a divorce - though I'm not even officially on that page yet - is a astonishingly debilitating experience from a self-esteem perspective. It doesn't help that I spent most of this year receiving a litany of blame for the failings of my marriage. And while I certainly committed many sins of omission, and had my moments of thoughtlessness and carelessness, I didn't create all of the failings that ultimately did in our marriage. It was a combination of both of our behaviors, and factors on each side. But I've spent most of this year taking the blame, acknowledging it and internalizing that, which takes a massive toll on your self-image, self-esteem, etc.

Needless to say, you go through this process, and you start to wonder... am I lovable? Can anyone even be interested in me, attracted to me, wanting to spend time with me? It's a terrifying situation, and it doesn't help being a single father with a solid, but not groundbreaking, career. Yeah, I do okay, but I'm not jetting off to Cabo on the weekends, and I'm going to suffer the indignity of even having to sell my condo in this horrible market to get through the divorce.

So, it's certainly not a time when you feel very good about yourself.

Meanwhile, there's a woman I know, who I casually asked out for drinks. With no overt agenda, but deep down, from the time I met her I had a crush on her. There was something about the way she looked at the world - with an amazingly well-rounded point of view, and an inquisitiveness and energy, that was captivating. Yes, she's beautiful as well, but it wasn't even that. It was her energy. She's the kind of person you feel you could disagree with, and she wouldn't take it personally. She's someone that I feel energized to be around.

So she agreed to go out for drinks, and in the back of my mind, I was hoping we'd get along, so I could have the courage to ask her out. Expecting, of course, that I would be turned down. Because that's what I've come to believe about myself, not to mention the fact that I haven't asked a woman out in 12 years, and the last one I did married me (then again, shouldn't that be a positive sign, rather than a negative?). But we went out for drinks, and got along fabulously, and midway through the night she made reference to "our first date". 

Cue contrived needle scratching a record sound effect.

Wait, this is our first date?

I couldn't believe it. Not only were we over the ask-her-out-the-first-time hurdle, but moreover, she wanted to be here on the date. And she was having a good time. Maybe I was even charming, or likable, or attractive. And at the end of the (what I now understand to be the first) date, she wanted to go out again. A brief kiss goodnight. 

And I can't even express what a pleasure it was to have a first date with someone who I not only enjoyed spending time with, but also made me feel good about myself. Yes, a very selfish emotional need, but I think there are times when we all need that.