Needless to say, I have absolutely no concerns on the first point, and she has been astonishingly wonderful on the second - sensitive, thoughtful and engaged. The speed and uncommon intensity of the bond we're building led to a somewhat inadvertant meeting with Zach, which brings up the next, natural question: when does my ex learn that I'm dating someone? The initial plan was to loop her in first, but, alas. Due to the ex's oft-mentioned struggles, I have a perhaps undue sensitivity when it comes to adding to that. I can only presume she doesn't want to hear about me being happy, etc. This doesn't make her a bad person; it's completely natural and I'd probably be the same. No, at a certain point in time, I can guarantee that I'd have been the same. Loneliness and unhappiness breeds resentment.
But now the issue was coming to a head, and when do I deal with that? I aimed for what I thought to be an appropriate sense of timing, but as with so many things, making plans can be pointless; the situation resolved itself at a time - and in a manner - that was not of my choosing. As I largely expected, my ex figured it out on her own due to the amount of time she spends dropping in on the condo, though certain ill-placed evidence made it hugely obvious. Yet, she brought up the situation in a completely unexpected and seemingly arbitrary fashion, absolutely launching into me for a perceived sense of selfishness, along with a rather ridiculous claim that she is, in some way, "taking care" of me. This couldn't be anything further from the truth, and just demonstrates just how differently we view the world and our relation to each other. It was surprisingly ugly, and had nothing (on the surface) to do with me dating someone. When it finally came up, she brushed it off with a "good for you. I'm happy you have someone" blanket statement. I think this is just her taking the high road, and I credit her for that, but the whole thing was just so strange that it was impossible to know what to make of it.
But more importantly, it was out in the open, and that felt great. And the special person this is all about appeared to appreciate it as well.
What this led to, however, was a larger discussion about how the ex and I philosophically view dating new people and the introduction of those potential people into Zach's life. This led to the revelation that the ex actually dated someone late last year for a couple months. If I had learned that back then, during what was one of the hardest periods for me, I would've likely not handled it well. Yet, as it was shared now, there was something so distant and vague about it that I, frankly, couldn't care less. Good for her, I suppose; it didn't hurt in the way that I expected it would, and had been emotionally preparing myself for most of the last year. In fact, it didn't hurt at all. It was strange hearing of the contrived scenario where this guy met my son, and there's a natural relief that he's not still around, as there may not be a more sensitive issue for a devoted parent than the (mostly unfound) fear of being emotionally replaced. In fact, that's a scenario I saw play out in my own childhood, as my step-siblings shunned their own father and latched onto mine. But still, it's the rhythms of life, and I felt surprisingly fine with all of it. It probably helped knowing it still wasn't going on.
Also, my person is someone that I think would be a wonderful influence to Zach, and who I am eager to get to know him better. They actually have a similar, mad (mean that in the good way) energy that is utterly endearing and captivating. I think they could become good - even great - friends.
Later, the ex and I had an even more in-depth discussion where it proved that we're both gaining some valuable distance and perspective from our marriage. She even made the comment, parroting a friend, that "everyone should have a first marriage". That's perhaps a bit too smug, but there's a truth to it. We were so young; we didn't even know who we were, much less who the other person was. And, clearly, we couldn't handle it. We didn't know what we wanted out of ourselves much less another person, and so it went so very, very wrong. We're both sorry for the choices we made, and how we let them happen, but at the same time, I think we recognize that it was perhaps meant to happen that way. We weren't perfect for each other, but we did help build the people that we became. She told me that I helped her become the person she is, which can't be anything other than a compliment, and I feel the same way about her. Though I also think she inadvertantly helped unearth things about myself that I don't appreciate; this is not her fault, however.
We also talked a lot about her family, and the poisonous gossip and aligning that people will try to engage in about us, and how I, in particular, won't play that game. I've expended a lot of energy and effort trying to have a solid relationship with my ex, and I intend for that to continue. We even commented that maybe we could even be those kinds of ex's that are sometime again real friends. And that may be a good thing. Certainly we couldn't possibly want each other, in any way, shape or form, but we do care about and respect each other. So, ironically, what was a situation that I somewhat dreaded, actually put things on a much more elevated, honest level, and that's a good thing.
Most importantly, it gives me an even greater level of confidence and comfort in this new relationship, if that's even remotely possible. Which it honestly doesn't seem to be. Going through these discussions and revelations were, ultimately, about what's best for my son, and how two ex's relate to each other, but there was also a strong pull to address some of this because I want the most honest, fair platform for a new relationship that is developing a meaning for me that I didn't expect. I needed to address it for me, but I wanted to address it for her.
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