Heights and Fears

No, not the name of a Keane album, which I believe was "Hopes and Fears".

Today my department had a team building event at a ropes challenge course, where you do trust exercises, leadership building, teamwork and the confrontation of fears. I expected it to be fun, but I didn't expect it to be meaningful. It was both, but the latter was perhaps more notable than the former.

It started with a game in a circle where we had to reach for bandanas dropped outside the circle, but we couldn't touch the ground between the circle and the object. You needed to figure out how to leverage body weight across great distances to retrieve the bandanas, which led to team-building dynamics and a real sense of accomplishment. This was followed by a severe rock-wall climb, perhaps the first of my life, and holy shit, that's an upper-body workout. When they tell you not to rely on your arms... believe them. They can't last as long as your legs.

Next was a climb to a horizontal telephone pole 40 feet high, with two teammates coming from opposite directions and needing to cross each other to get to the other side. It requires creativity and trust, and my teammate and I cleverly decided to go over and under rather than around, and did it without falling (anyone who fell was kept 100% safe by belay ropes at all times).

This was followed by the biggest leap of faith, literally. Climbing to a 50 foot platform, only 2 feet long, 6 inches wide, the pole wobbling insanely beneath you. Then you had to leap to a ring that was 6 feet away. Not a long distance, but at 50 feet, it takes tremendous courage. It was a remarkable experience, though I'm a bit disappointed that others went to the "Manmaker" - the same thing, except no platform, just the top of a telephone pole - but I had thought we were getting a chance to do both. I wanted to do each, so felt like I didn't fully push myself to the end. But the day's highlight was a woman who reports to me, a sweet, wonderful 30 year-old Asian girl with a terrible fear of heights, who went to the top, and managed to jump off. She missed the ring, but that wasn't the point at all. With tears pouring down her face, she stood on the edge of that platform for 5 minutes, getting the courage, and then... doing it. She felt like a failure, but she was the hero of the day - and everyone saw it. It took the most for her to accomplish what she did, and she was a total rockstar.

Interestingly, the moderator asked us all to assign to that challenge an idea that they wanted to work towards - something they want to improve in their lives. So the quiet introverts on our team said they wanted to "be more outgoing and direct", etc. At first, I asked if we could keep our mission private, but then revealed what it was for me: to adapt and learn to be okay with being alone.

It's getting harder, rather than easier. The months of insane busy-ness in my free nights have faded away, and life has returned to its regular routine, but as a solo rather than a partner. It's lonely, without question, and learning to be okay with that is a constant challenge.

Amazingly, at the top of that pole, the wood shaking, my legs shaking, wondering if I could do it, that thought actually was a crystallizing moment. Powerfully leaping for that ring, into the void, hoping for the best.

My hands latched onto the ring, holding tight.