Thursday, November 20, 2008

Families and Filmographies


For film students of the '90s, Martin Scorsese was, for obvious and well-established reasons, our god of cinema. Our “greatest living (or working) director”. To say that now, in 2008, sounds like a hollow cliche. But back in college, films like Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, even Cape Fear... we could never get enough of them. Of course, Scorsese begat Tarantino, which begat '90s crime cinema, etc, etc, etc. And after some rather transparent bids for critical affection, now Scorsese wins Oscars for movies he probably shouldn't have, while largely generally operating as a shadow of his former self. Hey, we all get old. 

But quietly, slowly, someone's taken away that mantle of our "greatest working director": 

P.T. Anderson. 

This is a personal declaration, and I don't expect others to agree, but with apologies to Marty, Spielberg, or anyone else who would aspire to the title (Lynch, Coen, Mann, Soderbergh, Wong Kar-Wai, don't know who else...), it's not even close. Not only are Anderson's films full of life and vitality in a way that's reminiscent of Scorsese at his peak (an intensity that feels forced and contrived in Marty’s recent films), but Anderson peels back layers of human frailty, pain and repressed emotion in ways that Scorsese never dared. In so many of Scorcese’s films, inner life barely exists, whereas for Anderson, it churns its way to the surface, despite all efforts to withhold. 

Anderson is superficially admired for his complex, interwoven narratives, and vast, Altman-like canvases. But over the span of two weeks, I’ve rewatched his five picture filmography, and while his work is undeniably riddled with consistent themes and motifs, one stands out above all others in both is grandiosity and simplicity: family. This is his true subject matter, and it runs like an underground river through all of his work.

Fascinatingly, Anderson's own personal life - his family - is largely an enigma, to the point where Esquire magazine was inspired to write an expose on his upbringing, revealing Anderson's close childhood proximity to the Hollywood machine (his father was a famed voice-over artist), which resulted in an early obsession with filmmaking and a rather naked ambition, that for unexplained reasons, Anderson now wants to obscure. Sadly, Anderson won't acknowledge - nor even speak to - his best friends from childhood, many of whom were also the progeny of celebrities and Hollywood types. But what's most interesting about this are the hints of his personal life that seep into his creative work. Clearly, he doesn't want to self-consciously expose himself like a Charlie Kaufman, but many of those autobiographical elements are certainly there, though perhaps more in thematics than narrative.

What's fascinating about this theme of family, and also terribly sad, is the arc of it across his five films. His first (Hard Eight) and last (There Will Be Blood) films have, on the surface, the least to do with family of any of his films, but in some ways they are the most instructive, and represent an almost titanic shift in world view that will be interesting to see how Anderson transitions next as an artist (and probably for those who know him, as a person).

HARD EIGHT

Let's start with Hard Eight, the least "familial" of his filmography. It opens with John C. Reilly meeting Philip Baker Hall against the backdrop of the younger man's inability to pay for his mother's burial. As with so many of Anderson's scenarios, even when family isn't onscreen, they are just beyond the edges of the frame. Hall becomes a mentor to this troubled, somewhat dimwitted lug, but though Reilly fails to internalize the lessons that Hall tries to impart, true devotion arises nonetheless. We learn, shockingly, that Hall murdered Reilly's father years earlier, which is why he befriended him in the first place. Hall has his own children, but they are also stage left, likely resentful and broken. But real affection develops between these two men, as Hall takes over the role of the dutiful father, and probably serves it better than Reilly's blood relation. The climax of the film is gripping in its emotional simplicity: an older man tells a younger man on the phone that he loves him like his own son. The younger man cries. The older man tries to hold it together. Devotion. Emotional need and fulfillment. Love.

Sure, the movie's narrative actually ends with bullets and blood, but that's not the point. Superficially, it's a movie about gambling, the low-rent casinos populating California and Nevada, and petty misbehaviors, but ultimately, it's about family. About finding a family when your real family has been lost, or taken away.

BOOGIE NIGHTS

Now let's take Boogie Nights. Again, it doesn't appear to be about family at all. It's about the '70s and big cocks. But coming off the last comment, family is exactly what it's about. Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) is viewed as a worthless do-nothing by his overbearing mother, and flees home. He discovers a new home, filled with troubled dreamers, who just so happen to be porn actors. Burt Reynolds is the paternal familia of the clan, and Julianne Moore is, quite literally, referred to as "Momma" by the damaged young porn actors who want to find someone to emotionally protect them.  The fact that they fuck together on camera is merely window dressing. All of these sad souls live on the proverbial knife edge of success and complete destruction, with only the prospect of another seedy, sweaty porn shoot to give them hope for another day. In this world to be a porn star is to have self-worth, which Anderson makes visually clear by capturing Diggler in the literal halo of a spotlight at a porn movie award ceremonies. A cheesy karate kick even infuses it with a parodic aura of super-hero strength. Validation = self worth. 

But we still need family. The film keeps coming back to that point. None of these characters have it (Julianne Moore is even prevented by the legal system from having it, due to her career choice), and so they create a substitute family in Reynolds' house. On the one hand, it's a grim, sad movie (despite its propulsive visual energy) because of the subject matter itself, but there's a quiet, dignified hope in the notion that troubled people can find each other and create enclaves of support. Interestingly, it may be Don Cheadle who is given the only true redemption in the film though, which Anderson stages by allowing the character to leave the porn industry and get married, preparing for fatherhood. In marriage and pregnancy is family, and thus, success and purity - at least in the context of this film. Cheadle’s final scene even features him in a bright white suit, which needs to be splattered with blood – a kind of reverse baptism. For the others, they'll keep stringing it along, and in Anderson's view, that's better than nothing. And so that's something. Sad, but somehow beautiful.

So chalk up two films with a rather positive view of the potential of self-selected families. It's somehow inspiring.

MAGNOLIA

Then comes Magnolia. Anderson's most ambitious film, and against the grandiosity of Blood, that's saying something. It's my favorite of his films, but I'll comment the least about it. Perhaps because it's the most obvious in relation to this overarching theme. Needless to say, people love and hate it for its many, interlocking storylines that sometimes relate, and sometimes don't. Chance, circumstance and fate are the themes the narrator explicitly refers to. But what is underneath all of these characters: the awareness that family has demonstrably let them all down.

This is a noticeable shift from Boogie Nights, where Diggler's break from family can be chalked up to impulsive immaturity and the natural need to break away. All teenagers hate their parents, right? But in Magnolia, families (and, specifically, fathers), do truly devastating things to their children, from which few recover. Let's list them, quickly: Philip Baker Hall sexually molested daughter Melora Waters, leaving her incapable of a competent, stable relationship with men. Jason Robards abandoned his wife, dying of cancer, thereby forever alienating his son, Tom Cruise, who reacts by trying to somehow outdo the hatred, the philandering, the misogyny in a misplaced effort to gain that same father's love. Failing that, he seeks to destroy the father on his deathbed, only to be left destroyed himself (ironically, Cruise's final moments onscreen hint at the potential return of familial self-selection). Stanley Spector, the young game show whiz kid, is pushed and prodded to perform and excel by his unsympathetic father, which mirrors William H. Macy's own backstory, whose game show success left him unable to connect with anyone (male or female), devoid of any self-esteem or self-understanding. Macy is a flash-forward of Spector's life in 35 years. Yes, in Magnolia, dads are true shitballs, which makes you curious as to Anderson's reticence to speak about his own family. 

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

Punch-Drunk Love is Anderson's slightest, and most tender, film. It's a romantic comedy that to some appears almost absent of comedy, as well as any conventional view of romance. Saying that, it's deeply funny, and intensely romantic - you just have to be in the right frame of mind. Much like Melora Waters and John C. Reilly in Magnolia it's all about emotionally blocked people, who just want to find a way to connect with someone. Anderson even stages Adam Sandler as Barry Egan (in a revelatory performance) and Emily Watson (Lena) in nearly identical ways as Waters/Reilly from Magnolia on a first date. Almost as if all first dates are universal in their insecurities, the need for validation, and an unavoidable desire to bullshit to make ourselves feel better. 

But what does this have to do with family? The reason the film is called Punch-Drunk Love is that it is, above all, about rage. About how damaged people want to tear everything down, but as a way of actually trying to find something soft and cuddly. Sandler's character arc is about channeling that rage, to transform those repressed emotions into something that will burst out of him with a "strength you can't even begin to imagine", like a caterpillar that's become a butterfly. Prior to finding love, his rage was destructive. But with love, it becomes transcendent. It's a beautiful image, but what's relevant here is where his rage comes from: his five, ball-busting, harpie sisters. Anderson gives Sandler these 5 sisters who routinely call him names you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, diminishing him in their eyes and his own. To call them castrating would be kind.

Perhaps not coincidentally, Anderson has 4 sisters of his own.

Sandler is left to feel unloved by his own family, and unworthy of their attention, so he ends up sobbing in front of his disinterested, awkward brother-in-law, who would rather be anywhere than even talking to this sad sack in a blue (get the obvious pun, “blue”?) suit. Though the movie is about the relationship with Watson, about pudding, and the curious appearance of an organ in the street, the specter of family hangs over, and underpins, everything about the character. Sandler finds love, he channels his rage into passion, and finds a modicum of happiness. Yet, it's impossible not to notice that, in doing so, family has been entirely excised. Which makes it all the more impossible not to see that, without family letting Sandler down to begin with, there would be no character, no movie.

Though I may be wrong, I believe that Anderson began his relationship with Fiona Apple around this period. It's as if the director, perhaps wounded by his own family, had found redemption. Again, by finding it outside of family. In many ways, this has been the only true happiness his characters are allowed from “family”: when they discover them outside their own flesh and blood. I bet Thanksgivings at the Anderson household are a laugh riot.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Which brings us to There Will Be Blood. Yes, the film is about greed, ambition and religion, certainly. But yet again, Anderson returns to the theme of constructed, chosen families. The families we self-select, rather than what is given by fate. Daniel Plainview takes in the infant of a dead oil worker, recognizing him as his own son. There appears to be real affection for this boy, but in truth, Plainview merely uses H.W. Plainview as a prop to appear as a righteous, upstanding family man to get in good with the local rubes, who want relatable "family" oil men raping their land, as opposed to single entrepreneurs  (how very Republican Party of them...). When the boy is physically damaged, instead of nurturing and protecting him, Plainview sends the boy away. This clearly devastates the man, but we don't know if it's for the boy, or the fact that Plainview recognizes in himself someone unworthy of the responsibility and value of family. It's not that Plainview doesn't have feelings, but he's a rare Anderson character that actually manages to swallow them - until they utterly pervert and destroy him from the inside.

Later, the film turns to a new family relationship, which Plainview is at first suspicious of, and then abjectly threatened by. And in this case, his suspicions are actually well-founded and correct: family is not family, blood is not blood (although there will be blood). Yet, though this intrusion is essentially benign, Plainview must cut it out with a violence that is sobering. Now for Anderson, self-selected families are no longer found, embraced and treasured. They are suspected, cast out, vilified.  Meanwhile, the biological family represented in the Sunday clan is just as fractured and dysfunctional: more sexual abuse, religious fundamentalism, and a "smart brother" who knew to get out while the getting is good.

It's a fascinating turn for Anderson when seen in context of his other films, all of which (except for Magnolia) are quietly, subtly obsessed with this notion of supplemental, chosen families, rather than biological connections. But instead of the genuine earnestness of Hard Eight, the shaggy-dog playfulness of Boogie Nights,  and the romantic wish-fulfillment of Punch-Drunk Love, you have a man who throws away his adopted child the moment that the son makes any choice contrary to the father. "Family" exists only as long as it is financially beneficial. When it is no longer to Plainview's advantage, he screams at his son's departing back, "You're just a bastard from a basket!". The only redemptive grace for H.W. is that he is deaf (due to Plainview's own drilling success) and can't hear these cruel, hateful words from a father who is not a father. 

It's no small accident that when Paul Sunday screams and begs for his life in the climactic bowling scene, he wails, "We're family!". Which, to anyone who knows Anderson's films well, is probably the worst thing in the world he could've said. Real families are meant to be steam-rolled, abandoned, chucked out the window. Or cut out of the will, as Plainview would have it. Or bludgeoned with a bowling pin. At the same time, Anderson is further diffusing and obscuring the notion of "family" at all. If Sunday would so claim to be Plainview's "family" - which is clearly absurd - the notion of "family" has no meaning at all. It certainly doesn't for Plainview. But does it for Anderson?

Anderson has clearly grown more guarded, if not downright cynical, when it comes to the idea of family. The director who seeks to escape his past may want to put his family history behind him. Even self-selected families are now suspect (hmm... wonder what Fiona thinks of all this...). His characters reach out for new family connections - in casinos, on porn shoots, in the warm embrace of an non-judgmental lover - but he ultimately brings us to a place where these constructs are just as easily torn to shreds, despite the years, the meaning, the deep need we all have for that comforting embrace. How we long for Claudia and the cop, Barry Egan and Lena, with their wounded need for love and understanding.

Daniel Plainview will never hold his son again, and in his own mind, never viewed him as a son at all. We know that Plainview is lost.  Anderson makes no bones about it. "I'm finished!", Plainview calls. One wonders where Anderson will emerge next.  As grim as his work can be, it is undeniably infused with energetic life, and pain and honesty. I, for one, will be there to greet him at the door to find out.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Low Points

Today is my ex-wife's birthday.  The economy has hit her life very hard, as she's been unable to find work for the last month.  She's amazingly talented, but she's in a niche field where it's easy to find oneself without work, and she's not well-established enough in her career to weather economic storms like this. So, in short, she's kind of fucked right now.

And it's taking a toll. Between starting a new life, not having a job, having a failed marriage, etc, she's at the lowest point that I've ever seen her at. Which is really saying something, because I've seen her at many, many low points over the last 12 years. Family problems, the death of her mother, the insecurity of your twenties, professional dissatisfaction, friendship frictions, miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy, horrible illness after the birth and near death, my own failures for her, etc, etc, etc. It hasn't been easy for her. 

But now is one of the first times that I've seen her spirt nearly broken. And I'm really, deeply worried for her. She's clinically depressed (even a layman can see it), and I think she's near having a breakdown. Sometimes I fear the worst. I reached out to a bunch of her friends and family today, asking them to reach out to her, because there's only so much I can do.

My friend E put it best a month ago, when I complained that the ex thought I wasn't sympathetic enough to the problems she was having: "She fired you from that job", he said. This has been echoed from a number of quarters. That doesn't change the fact that I feel responsible for her in some ways, and that I want the best for her, and that I'm worried about her constantly. CONSTANTLY. She doesn't believe this, and somehow thinks that I wish ill to befall her, but I truly want the best for her. Of course, that doesn't necessarily extend to her finding another guy (aren't we ALL petty and jealous that way?), but in every other way I want her to be happy, content and secure. 

I'm worried on all of those fronts these days.

Happy Birthday, A. It's not a good one, even though you deserve it to be.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

We Have a New President

Strong winds across Los Angeles. Nov, 4 2008. 11 pm.

This momentous, historic moment will be chronicled in countless places that makes it needless for me to add my thin, tin voice. Yet, today I am very proud to be an American, and I'm proud of the American people in unifying behind a great need, and potentially a great leader. Obama's speech tonight was his shining moment, and it's a powerful moment that can still draw tears from a political cynic in the midst of a crowded tavern of that was undulating in waves between raucous cheering and stately, almost reverant silence. And in a sad way, this night was also John McCain's best moment. If he would've shown more of the grace he demonstrated in his concession speech during the campaign, it wouldn't have been a landslide. You had to know that he was thinking a great deal about his legacy tonight, and worked to repair it, as a constipated Palin squirmed beside him, ready to shove the old man off stage-left.

There's a hopeful feel tonight, but though I'm emerging slowly from the deep funk I was in for the past week, I can't help being saddened by the lack of someone to share such a special moment with. My ex and I exchanged texts and phone calls during the event, with our son adorably shouting "Pres-dent Barack Obama!" into the phone, but there's a hollowness there. Enjoying the moment with co-workers and casual friends was nice too, but... it didn't help when friends of friends arrived, necessitating small talk while waiting for Obama's speech. It was one of those moments that is meant to be shared with those close to you. I was far away from them, and one of my deep questions right now is... who are those people?

There were texts exchanged with a few others, from my sister to my movie-partner in crime, V. But there's still that void.

It was a windy, cool night in Los Angeles. One of those spectacular nights where the palm trees are swaying, destined to litter the street with oversized palm fronds and leaves. I love those nights, with their ability to awe and inspire. And yet it's an empty enjoyment when you can't share that with someone.

I had a good therapy session today, where I was commended for actually diving into the murk of my sadness over the past week. Instead of following the path of my family - of burying pain, disappointment, anger, etc. - I was acknowledging it, and letting it wash over me, as a way of experiencing and acknowledging it. I didn't really think of it in that way (I hardly patted myself on the back for being so morose), but I think she's right - I'm evolving in a way that my family never has.

But we ended the session talking about the question of "what do I think of myself?". We treaded around loneliness, and I said that I've never had a problem being alone. I enjoy time on my own. And I think that's true. But it's also not true, and I've never really spent any time truly alone. It's much easier to enjoy your solitude, yourself, and your own ideas when it's just a temporary respite. When there's the security of a relationship on the other side of that solitude.

In all honesty, aside from a year-long stretch or so after college, I've mostly had that security and protection in my life. I don't really know how to exist without it, how to be content with myself. Maybe I am content with myself, but because there's this void in my life, I just don't know what contentedness looks like. I couldn't really answer the question of what I think about myself. What is my self-image. I feel like I'm generally very honest in therapy, and I was trying to be honest, but I also felt like I was just spewing stump speeches at that moment.

I don't know the answer to that question. Do I really like myself? I always thought I did. I want to believe that I do.

On a historic night like tonight, I want to believe... I want to believe. But I'm not sure I do.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Welcome to November

A couple of months ago, a friend asked me about my separation, "Are you lonely?". I somewhat laughed, because throughout the summer and fall, I obsessively scheduled myself on my every free night of the week (usually 3 or 4 nights a week). Every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday something was going on to keep me occupied or distracted.

My answer: "I've been far too busy to be lonely. I think I've got it penciled in for November, though".

Well, now it's November.

And, yes, I'm lonely.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

"When am I going to be a big brother?"

This morning while driving to work, I mentioned to Zach that my best friend's son, who is a year younger than Zach, is going to be a "big brother" soon. Our friends are going to have their second child.

Zach asked me when he was going to be a big brother.

I couldn't answer him, because tears started pouring out of my eyes. Zach pressed me for an answer. As I gained control, I tried to explain that mommies and daddies need to be together to have another baby, but that since Momma and I weren't together, it was probably going to be a long time before he is a big brother.

If ever. And by the time it happens, he may not want it anymore...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm just a little person.




And the full lyrics for those hunting for them:

I'm just a little person,
One person in a sea
Of many little people
Who are not aware of me.

I do my little job
And live my little life,
Eat my little meals,
Miss my little lid and wife

And somewhere, maybe someday,
Maybe somewhere far away,
I'll find a second little person
who will look at me and say,

"I know you
You're the one I've waited for.
Let's have some fun."

Life is precious every minute,
and more precious with you in it,
so let's have some fun

We'll take a road trip way out west. You're the one I like the best.
I'm glad I've found you,
Like being around you
You're the one I like the best.

Somewhere, maybe someday,
Maybe somewhere far away,
I'll meet a second little person
And we'll go out and play.

-- Little Person, "Synecdoche, New York"


I'm at one of my lowest points in the last couple of months. Much of it, though not all of it, has been brought on by
Synecdoche, New York, which created in me an overwhelming sense of malaise and alienation. It's almost like I saw the exact movie at the exact wrong moment to create the exact maximum impact on my psyche.

There are many reasons, I suppose. Work is a big one. The closure of my vertical has left me adrift in our department, waiting to find out what the Next Big. Thing is. In the meantime I'm doing mundane, tedious work that I graduated from nearly two years ago. I'm suddenly not important, central, creative or, frankly, very useful. It's a miserable feeling.

Second, the movie brought on a new round of discombobulation over my impending divorce. The protagonist (Philip Seymour Hoffman) of the movie never really recovers from the failure of his first marriage, which is dramatized in a way that he never fully knows what went wrong. That hit me so hard, and I could relate to it immensely, but then Hoffman spends much of the rest of the movie trying to find a way to connect with the child who was taken from him, poisoned against him in disgusting, horrible ways. It's a dark, horrific vision of parental alienation... Alec Baldwin shouldn't see this flick. He may end up making more angry phone calls...

I'm just a little person
One person in a sea
Of many little people
Who are not aware of me
I do my little job
And live my little life
Eat my little meals
Miss my little kid and wife

These are the lyrics to the heartbreaking closing credits song of Synecdoche, New York. These lines caused tears to pour down my face as the credits rolled. Everything about my failed marriage pouring out of me, channeled through those simple, simple lines. Which is followed by...

And somewhere maybe someday
Maybe somewhere far away
I'll find a second little person
Who will look at me and say...

I know you
You're the one I've waited for
Let's have some fun

And there's the third reason... my new friend is disappearing from me.

I don't know if it has anything to do with me. I can tell that she's reaching out to experience life in many forms. Sometimes includes me, but it seems that now it doesn't more often than not. Our last date was fantastic, with promises of more that week. She opened up in a lot of meaningful ways. We appear to be on the same wavelength. Then things started stalling out, and it suddenly feels like it turning into an one-way street, and I'm tired of being the chump going the wrong way.

And I absolutely know that I shouldn't be worked up about her at all, but yes, we're all reaching out for that bullshit that makes us forget just how alone and scared we all are, all fearful that it doesn't mean anything, that we can't get anything out of this world. Which is, after all, what Synecdoche, New York is about in many respects. It's a pretty nihilist film, though in a beautiful, tender-hearted way rather than caustic and bitter.

So it's been a perfect emotional storm this week. I'm rarely a depressive, morbid, sad person. But I feel like I've been one big ball of sadness since Sunday night when I watched that movie. I don't have any direction, I don't feel any hope...

Yes. I'm just a little person. One person in a sea of many people, who are not aware of me.

Part two of this story came almost three years later. Feel free to read it.




Sunday, October 26, 2008

I am at a loss for words for...


Writing about a movie, or music, or even meaningless pop culture... it's in my nature to want to sound eloquent, intelligent, or at least like I have a clue what the fuck I'm talking about. 

But tonight I endured a movie that has left me an emotional wreck, and without any of the necessary words. Or the right words, or maybe not even the words that make a lick of sense. Which would be appropriate, given the movie that I watched tonight: 

Synecdoche, New York

Synec-what?! Who the hell has even heard of this movie. Well, it's the directorial debut of Charlie Kaufman, the screenwriter behind Being John Malkovich, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I have long had a hate him/love him relationship with Kaufman. "Malcovich" was an amusing trifle, a bit self-conscious and smug, while Adaptation was one of the most navel-gazing, self-indulgent movies ever that made me want to punch Meryl Streep. How often do you want to punch Meryl Streep? That said, I adored Eternal Sunshine

And in a lot of ways, this movie features similar themes of both those films I loved and hated, exploring the artistic process and the search for meaning within the context of one person's life. It's almost like Kaufman was teasing the edges of those themes in those latter two films, but Synecdoche, New York is so astonishingly raw, painful, achingly sad, and elegiac that it just might be one of the most important movies ever made. Hyperbole, yeah, but… god, I’m just at a total loss right now. I warned that I wouldn't sound coherent.

It was so gut-wrenching to watch, and so utterly illogical and random and all over the place and dream-like and non-narrative, that it was just an absolute mess, and that’s part of the point. It’s intentionally messy, and ugly and obtuse. It is self-obsessed, and universal-looking with gigantic open arms all at the same time. Years pass, and people describe them as weeks. Characters develop physical ailments, which then disappear. Some characters age, becoming old, while others don’t. So much of it makes no logical sense – and for people not willing to go along on the journey, it will be truly infuriating to the point of walking out – but the entire thing is about digging deep into our individual pain, which is really a universal pain, and trying to find truth, and meaning, and connection. And not finding it. And yet somehow finding it too. 

It’s so dreamlike that it’s not a tear-jerker as it unfolds, but I found tears pouring down my face during the final credits. After it all ended. Because I wasn’t crying for the movie, but I was crying for what the movie said about me, about everyone else, about life. It made me want to crawl under a bed and sob for the next two weeks.

There is craft, there is art, and then there’s something that’s almost beyond art. I kind of feel like I saw that tonight. Something that gets beyond image, and sound, and texture, and story, and meaning, and gets to a place that people can’t easily get to. And I bet that 7 out of 10 people who see that movie will hate it (maybe even 8 of 10)… but something really remarkable and depressing and transcendent took place on that screen… and I hated it, and loved it, and it’s something that’ll stay with me for a long time to come.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sometimes...

There are times you just wish you could cry. 

You feel like everything is trending against you. You feel it right beneath the surface, begging to come out. It doesn't quite come to the surface, though you know it needs to. You know you want it to, that by letting out that pain, it will somehow make it more bearable.

That's how I feel tonight. Absolutely alone, and the tide is pulling out to sea, rather than lapping against the shore.

And I can't seem to cry.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Companies have Salieri Moments Too

The work I've been doing all year has been exploratory in hopes of finding new, diversified revenue streams for my company (we're a prominent player online). We have a vision of something that hasn't quite been done exactly in this way online, a business plan, a product vision, product specs, the whole deal. A great deal of thought, and effort went into this. And my presentation bowled over the CEO, who was firmly behind it.

The comes strategic planning for 2009, involving the entire executive team. Each person with their own agenda, and a collective vision that we need to radically shift our company's agenda for the next year. That's all well and good, but the problem is that it means decreasing the overall size of our business and revenue. Which means that a new revenue stream is ALL the more important.

Collectively, the group took an alternate view: they need all their best people on crucial, mission-centric tasks. That means no new business verticals. That means no product that I've developed, envisioned and championed. That means... that really sucks.

From a rational perspective, I get it. We are sharpening our focus and anything that consumes resources outside the core objectives can be both a distraction and a headache. Yet, the investment was minimal. My time, time of a few others, a couple tech assists, and a modest outlay of money. Not a gigantic deal, truthfully. But they didn't see it that way.

The upside is this, however. There's a certain amount of flattery that the company wants "good" people on important projects, and apparently, one of the main considerations was, "Hey, we can have this guy - who really stepped up to the plate - building us something new, or we could have him playing a role on something that we view as short-term critical". So it's nice to be felt of that way, but at the same time, it's like being kicked in the gut. A couple of times. A year's worth of work pissed down the tubes before we even saw any return. 

Ironically, our corporate shift is due to a desire to put long-term company stability ahead of short-term revenues in the pecking order. Yet, the irony is that, again, we fall prey to short-term thinking rather than long-term vision. 

A Salieri moment. For all of us.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Most Depressing Place in the World

Von's Grocery Store, Centinela Blvd. Los Angeles. Tuesday, 6:40 pm. 

Maybe it's the fact that they are renovating. The floors are two different colors, the salad bar empty, the seafood counter vacant. Much of this clearly comes from the fact that they didn't have a salad bar previously, and frankly, I don't think it's a place you ever wanted to get seafood from in the first place. It's long been a lower-middle class area of town (I spent a charming year living just down the block), but I suppose every grocery chain feels inordinate pressure to compete with the Whole Foods of the world.

Stopping in for toothpaste and wine. Maybe an electric toothbrush for Zach... Hmm, does he want Wall-E or Spongebob? God, I hate Spongebob...

Realize I'm kind of hungry. Leftover pasta in the fridge at home doesn't sound very appealing. Cooking an actual meal even less so, given my work ambitions for the night, not to mention my general lack of creativity when the fridge door is open... Maybe just grab something to go. But the Vons isn't exactly a "grab and go" kind of grocery store, especially at a time when the floors are comprised of two different colors. 

Stand in the soup aisle, ponder the healthy brands. Nearly shoulder to shoulder with two sixty year old men who just have that appearance of being... my god... single. And old. Old and single.

Flashback to all those times I've stood in the checkout line, that matronly woman behind me, buying her Dinners-For-One. A single cup of yogurt. A pre-packaged salad. Probably a bottle of Kahlua. And I think to myself... so sad. So sad not to have anyone. So sad to be alone, all day and every night. God, what a lucky guy I am... what a lucky, lucky guy... 

Back in the soup aisle, Old & Single snorts a loogey into the back of his throat. Jesus, no wonder he's single. What's with the 5 pounds of broccoli? Well, at least it's healthy. More than I can say for myself tonight... or many nights as of late. My god, there are a lot of soups. Progresso, Campbells, Chunky, Healthy Classics... There are just too many, and nothing, all at the same time. I really can't handle this.

Wander to the wine section. Nearly done being remodeled, but I kind of miss the tall shelves. Now they end at eye-level, and the value options all seem to be missing. Don't tell me this Von's on Centinela and Washington dreams of being upscale. Hey, Mr. Vons Manager - have you seen your clientele lately? Mr. Broccoli Soup back on Aisle 9? Aint' gonna happen. 

But here I am. With my toothpaste, wine, Wall-E toothbrush, and some bananas and eggs. Not old, but single. Where did I find that high horse of mine? Shuffle off to the checkout counter. Getting really hungry now. 

But I can't bear the thought of a buying a Dinner-For-One. I don't think I've ever done that in my life, and I can't imagine starting now. This has been depressing enough.

For me, at this moment, Von's on Centinela, in Los Angeles, at 6:40 on a Tuesday, is the most depressing place in the world.