Low Points

Today is my ex-wife's birthday.  The economy has hit her life very hard, as she's been unable to find work for the last month.  She's amazingly talented, but she's in a niche field where it's easy to find oneself without work, and she's not well-established enough in her career to weather economic storms like this. So, in short, she's kind of fucked right now.

And it's taking a toll. Between starting a new life, not having a job, having a failed marriage, etc, she's at the lowest point that I've ever seen her at. Which is really saying something, because I've seen her at many, many low points over the last 12 years. Family problems, the death of her mother, the insecurity of your twenties, professional dissatisfaction, friendship frictions, miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy, horrible illness after the birth and near death, my own failures for her, etc, etc, etc. It hasn't been easy for her. 

But now is one of the first times that I've seen her spirt nearly broken. And I'm really, deeply worried for her. She's clinically depressed (even a layman can see it), and I think she's near having a breakdown. Sometimes I fear the worst. I reached out to a bunch of her friends and family today, asking them to reach out to her, because there's only so much I can do.

My friend E put it best a month ago, when I complained that the ex thought I wasn't sympathetic enough to the problems she was having: "She fired you from that job", he said. This has been echoed from a number of quarters. That doesn't change the fact that I feel responsible for her in some ways, and that I want the best for her, and that I'm worried about her constantly. CONSTANTLY. She doesn't believe this, and somehow thinks that I wish ill to befall her, but I truly want the best for her. Of course, that doesn't necessarily extend to her finding another guy (aren't we ALL petty and jealous that way?), but in every other way I want her to be happy, content and secure. 

I'm worried on all of those fronts these days.

Happy Birthday, A. It's not a good one, even though you deserve it to be.