New Turns, New Roads

Benjamin Button said that life is defined by those moments of opportunity, and the question is how someone reacts to them. Do you take this path, or another? Or stay on the same path? Sometimes the paths you take create waves in the lives of others. My wife needed another path, and it sent my own life into a tailspin, and forever changed the tenor, texture and shape of our son's. How his will develop in the long run is another question. 

My professional life the last three years, having left Hollywood for the fast-paced, fast-rising world of the Internet has been a study in movement. Each year has brought on new challenges, and new opportunities. After a great 2008 (professionally, at least), my initiative was eliminated due to corporate priorities and restructuring, that left me driftless and confused. 

I need a new challenge, I need fresh ideas and that learning curve that's going to take me to the next level. At the same time, I'm reticent to change, and am generally fearful of strong shifts in my life. That's part of why I didn't leave the company when I had a chance a year ago (which turned out to be a remarkably smart move, given the economy and other factors). 

Yesterday I was offered a job on another team within our company. Flattering to be thought of. Great new skills to be learned, central to the company's mission, and developing talents that must be considered core to the overall structure of Internet content sites. Pretty key. Yet, again, it's change. The comfortable stability of my team, of my knowledge base, the reassurance of strong management. Those will be lost in the short term, at least, in favor of the unknown.

The unknown frequently scares me, but I need to learn to embrace it with more open, excited arms. 

Twentynine Palms, CA

Bet you haven't heard of that town, have you?

Let me tell you a bit about it. It has not one, but TWO, military buzz cut barbers. Four tattoo parlors on the main drag. Military bar 5 miles away. Bar and grill called "Stumps", where when the bartender asks if Stacy is ready to sing karaoke, gets the response, "FUCK YEAH!!!". 

My friend V and I rented a house in the middle of this absolute nowhere. I wasn't involved in the process, and when I learned how much we were paying (on the drive out), I have to admit that I stopped for a moment and said to myself, "what the fuck are we doing?". The house is distantly in the middle of nowhere from town, and given the town I just described... this is the middle of nowhere. 2 miles on a dirt road, with no houses in earshot, save for another rental owned by the same person across the road. We were a bit perplexed about the fences around the property (robbers? late night danger?) but when you see coyotes wandering around, you start to get the logic.

Why'd we come here? I'm not sure why V did, although he has a thirst for new experiences, and the great thing about him is that while he likes the high life and pretention, he can seem pretty comfortable just about anywhere. For me, I had the opportunity to spend New Years with old friends (who I have spent most of the past 12 years ringing in the New Year with) at the house of one of the two creators of South Park, but while that sounds conceptually "fun", I just couldn't be bothered. It sounded like a trial, spending my night with a collection of people I don't know, and those that I do... I don't really know anymore. That couldn't have been more clear than on the drive out, sending a text to N. to wish him a Happy New Year, and getting a perky response back that "Hey, we're going to XXX... If you're not doing anything, you should join us!". This is a guy I spent endless years celebrating with, and I explicitly told him I wouldn't be around, but his response was that cheerful, "hey, I think I know you, dude. Here's where I am... feel free to stop by" kind of answer. Just not interested. 

Instead, I spent a laid back NYE under the stars, followed by days in the Joshua Tree desert. Finding the remains of a broken down shack owned by a California state representative, which was creepy, fascinating and utterly compelling in every way. Me and V found registers from the US Office of Representatives, Plaques from the US Senate, and a burned out bed. Absolutely riveting. There's a movie there. 

We've also watched a bunch of great movies (V was enamored with Citzen Kane, which he's never seen, though The Exorcist and Talk Radio went over a bit more questioningly) and today spent the day climbing the gigantic rocks of Joshua Tree, where one wrong slip could've left us with either a broken leg or worse. It was grandiose and gorgeous, along with a tremendous physical challenge. Spent much of the time wondering if we were going to be able to get off the mountain, and genuinely questioning if there was a path of out of there that wouldn't kill us. There's a message there, I'm sure.

V passed out early though, as I am ironically the only one doing any drinking. I'm getting drunk and sitting under the stars, next to a gigantic fire beside the hot tub. While I'm not a desert guy at all, this has been austere and absolutely captivating. I wish it wasn't ending, maybe because that means returning to my life and figuring out what it all means. The endless disappointments and frustrations, the fear of being alone forever, of getting out of a failed marriage. 

I wish I could stay longer.